Living in the future
I am often living in the future. I think about how my life could be, what I could be like. How I can improve myself for tomorrow. What things I can do better tomorrow then I did today. I find it hard to live in the moment. To accept who I am now. To be happy to just be.Most of my thoughts are about how I can help create a better world tomorrow. In a sense, that thought process is a blessing and a trap. Its a blessing as in I always have hope and something to strive for in life. A tree in the distance. And in this way, I have endless motivation to improve and be better. I prefer to think in this way and feel as if I am contributing most to the world and have the most to give when I am thinking or talking about ideas of how to be better or create a better future. I love to ask questions. I may talk a lot (one of my many improvements for tomorrow) but in my own head, I am asking questions of myself and others all the time. It is one of my favourite things to do. To ask why. To be in a place of constant refinement and improvement and to help others do the same. But I am finding that more and more it gives me a sense of feeling trapped that I am never good enough and that my self-talk always searches for something more. It often keeps me from living in the moment of now. In doing so my happiness and acceptance of myself and who I am is always for that version of me in the future. I am only happy with the person I see myself as in the future and find it very hard to ever accept who I am now as good enough for the moment. Perhaps its that I see all my mistakes, failures and shortcomings and my insecurities don't allow me to accept the person I am today as something who can exist in the now without major improvement. I am finding, however, there has to be a balance, a drive to change and become better, but an appreciation for the moment. Where I am now or where the world is and the moments I am given to share with others today. I don't have that balance figured out yet, but I know that if I can't learn to be ok with who I am or what the world is like today. I will always be living in tomorrow in a future that will never be today.